The Quiet Grief of Moving Abroad Alone

✈️ Grab Your Free Travel Resources Inside → Get the Printables

The grief of moving abroad alone is not a fun topic. But for those going through it, it’s very real, and completely unavoidable. I hope that in sharing my experience, I can help others move through this phase. Because it is a phase, and it will pass. I promise.

Don’t forget to get your free download at the end of this post!

An old door with graffiti in Madrid, Spain.

Before I Left

The day I got back home from dropping my son off in California, I walked back into an empty house, walked directly back to his empty bedroom, and started to cry. My house had never been so quiet, and I had no idea who I was without being a mom every day or without my “sidekick” being with me all the time.

As a single mom, me and my kiddo were two peas in a pod. We did everything together. Having that suddenly ripped away was gut wrenching.

And a few years before that, I lost my mom, uncle, and aunt all in the same year. I lost one of my best friends two years prior, and had left behind everything and everyone before I ever left the US. To say that house felt empty is the understatement of the century. I suddenly felt the loss of everything in my life, and aside from my mom dying, my son moving out hit me the hardest. The loneliness and confusion (or maybe it was emotional whiplash) was intense and felt like it was creating more PTSD in my life.

But then came the day I left for Spain. A country I had never set foot in before moving there. It was a leap of faith, and a badly needed shock to my system. I knew if I didn’t “shake things up”, that I would wither away in empty nest depression. So I got on that plane.

I remember the taxi drive from the airport to my hostel in Madrid. It was early – just after 5am. The streets were somewhat empty and the sun hadn’t come up yet. The surreal feeling of watching all the buildings zip by as the taxi whisked me through the city was pretty indescribable. I knew life would never be the same, and I was right.

In this post, I’d like to talk about what nobody tells you when you move abroad and how to deal with all of it.

What No One Tells You About the Grief Of Moving Abroad Alone

I think most people, when they first move abroad, pretty much dance their way onto the plane. I mean, there is definitely fear involved because of the enormity of what you are doing. But the promise of a “fairy tale” life definitely keeps you placing one foot in front of the other.

There is this element of fantasy. The promise of a better life. A different life. An easier life. And then… there is reality, which hits you anywhere from 1 week to 1 year into your life abroad.

There is the emotional weight of navigating everything yourself in a new country where very few things make sense. I distinctly remember how it felt when I had no idea how to turn on the lights or how to unlock the combination door to my hostel. The poor woman in charge must have thought I was a complete idiot. But when you’re overwhelmed and things are different, those little things can be the very thing that tips you over the edge into massive stress or even panic attacks.

When you are in a new country (especially if you don’t speak the language), you instantly feel invisible and voiceless. Taking a bus or getting groceries (things you took for granted back home) suddenly become these monumental hurdles to overcome. A new life brings with it new systems, new rhythms, new languages, new customs, and yes… a new you. It’s inevitable. You can’t make that big of a life change without changing a lot yourself. You might not realize it at first, but you start changing the moment you get off the plane.

One of the biggest culture shocks for me was the person I became when I couldn’t express myself. Humor, emphasis, and basic communication fly out the window and nobody sees you or knows you as the person you are, because you are virtually incapable of communicating as “yourself”. It’s a humbling experience to say the least.

The Quiet Grief You Didn’t Expect

When you move abroad, there will be a period of mourning. You can’t escape it. You can ignore it and put it off for a while (that’s what I did), but eventually, it catches up to you. It looks different for every person, but it’s there. You’re mourning familiarity, comfort, easy, convenience, communication, and so many other things.

It’s an ambiguous grief because you aren’t mourning a death, but it’s still all-encompassing. But I’m here to tell you, you’re not broken. This grief is valid. And if you let it do it’s job, let it rip through you and change you, you’ll be a better person for it in the end. Grief serves a very real purpose in our lives and it’s not something you can sidestep. It’s better to give in and let it take you over so it can do what it needs to do. Just know that this too shall pass, and life will be so much better when it does.

How to Move Through The Grief of Moving Abroad Alone (Without Bypassing It)

Yes, you can move through this grief with grace. It’s not the end of the world, even if it feels like it. Even if it makes you want to tuck your tail between your legs and run home to all that familiarity.

First, your emotions are real, valid, and important. Do not rush to fix them. Grief is important work.

Second, here are some ways to help you handle the grief:

Create routines. It sounds odd, but even the smallest routine will help. These “grounding rituals”, like daily coffee walks, scent anchors, music from home, or a semi-familiar food, are all critical to helping you through the grief.
Find one “regular” thing in your new location that either feels like, or reminds you of home. Maybe it’s a carrot salad you made back home that you can make in your new country too. Maybe it’s buying and wearing the same perfume you used back home, or maybe it’s just rocking out to music you love in your living room on a regular basis. These little familiarities can truly get you through. But you have to make them a regular feature in your life. Not an accidental experience.
Start a small project. Maybe it’s a blog or a social media account that keeps everyone back home up to date with your new-life escapades. Maybe it’s taking photos, writing poetry, or simply keeping a journal. No matter what it is, make it a regular part of your routine. Something you work on again and again. Building something, even something small, gives you a sense of purpose when nothing else makes sense.
Give yourself permission to NOT love your new life immediately. It’s okay if there are things you don’t like. In fact, it’s inevitable. You don’t have to scream these things from the rooftops, but it’s okay to not like things. Personally, I absolutely detest the hills where I live. Having to hike those all the time just to get to the tram or the corner store is something I absolutely hate. But there are things I hated back home too. It’s part of life, no matter where you live. The trick is to not obsess over the things you hate. They should never be the entirety of your experience in a new country. If they are, there’s a good chance you picked the wrong place. But just normal dislikes are completely fine and normal.

What Comes After The Grief Of Moving Abroad

Yes, the grief will pass. Like any human emotion, it’s not permanent. The fog will lift, and you’ll start noticing beauty again. You’ll begin to feel proud of yourself in a quiet, grounded sort of way. You’ll start to trust yourself more and depend on yourself in ways you never thought possible. So what comes after the grief?

Acceptance
Happiness
Beauty
Excitement
Enjoyment
Laughter
Friendship
Community
Entertainment
And so much more

One of the best things you can do for yourself is get involved with expat groups. It may be uncomfortable, but you will get situated and familiar so much faster with expat help and community. Other expats and immigrants can tell you things that will get you settled into life so much faster than you will without them. Whether it’s how to get groceries delivered because you don’t have a car, or what apps will help you navigate public transportation the best, they can help you in ways that are completely invaluable. So yes, even introverts should give it a try. It’s not as bad as you think when everyone is in the same boat!

Afterthoughts On The Grief Of Moving Abroad

You are not alone in feeling alone. Discomfort is a component of changing your life in such a massive way. But you WILL get familiar. You WILL find community. You WILL get comfortable. It just takes time and a willingness to sit in discomfort for a little while. You aren’t doing it wrong. You didn’t make a bad decision. It’s just the grief of moving abroad, and you WILL get through it.

If you are an expat and you’re feeling alone or need to reach out to someone, my inbox is always open. Just find the “contact” link at the top of my site. I’ve been there. I get it. You’re going to be okay.