Living Abroad: What It’s Really Like After The Fantasy Wears Off
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Living abroad alone ain’t for sissies. It takes some grit and some bravery. But with a little open-mindedness, you’ll do it successfully. Here’s what it’s really like so you know what to expect.
I moved abroad alone to reclaim my life. Not to chase a fantasy, but because I needed space to start over. At first, everything felt new and cinematic. But eventually, the loneliness, homesickness, and emotional weight set in. What no one tells you about living abroad is that freedom can be disorienting, and reinvention is raw work. Still, I wouldn’t take it back. Living abroad didn’t fix me, but it helped me find myself. And that was worth every ounce of stress I went through.
The Fantasy vs. The Reality Of Living Abroad
When people imagine living abroad, they basically imagine a never-ending vacation. Cocktails on the coast, long, sunlit walks along esplanades, and cobblestone streets filled with the hustle and bustle of a foreign, beautiful life.
When you move abroad alone, you will most certainly experience ALL of that! But with it comes some other things as well. You might feel lonely, overwhelmed and even grief for the life and people you left behind. And yes, it’s all part of the process. Nothing ever happens perfectly, and no place is perfect either. You can move to upgrade your life, but as I once told a friend before she moved… “Wherever you go, there you are.”
Often, the things we thought we left behind have a way of coming with us. This post isn’t a warning, it’s just a simple truth. It’s the part of living abroad that people don’t like to think about before they take the leap.
Why I Moved Abroad In The First Place
If I’m being totally honest, I saw the way things were going politically in the States and I freaked out. After years of “running” from things that had happened in my life, this just added to the pile and my fight or flight kicked in. But those aren’t the only reasons.
I honestly needed a fresh start. I knew that once I was an empty nester, I had to shock myself out of that particular depression. I had to do something so crazy and so brave, that I had no choice but to come back to myself. To shift out of “mom mode” and return to myself. To who I am as a person. To remember how to properly take care of myself and to remember that I matter, even on some small scale. I think it’s very easy as moms (especially single moms) to forget that who we are as people (not just as a mom) matters too. We lose ourselves in motherhood so easily.
While many people have told me how brave I am to do this alone, to be honest, my move never felt like bravery. It felt like the next step. Like the thing I had to do to save myself. It truly felt like the only choice. I didn’t move abroad because I had it all figured out, I moved because I didn’t.
The High Of The First Few Weeks (Or Months)
When you first arrive, there is this thrill and excitement. It’s almost like you won the lottery and you get to be on vacation for the rest of your life. Everything is new and exciting (though stress is typically excitement’s best friend), and you feel like you’ll spend the rest of your life sipping cocktails on a beach in a bikini for the rest of your life.
I can honestly say it took me a good nine months to start to feel like this was now my life. I kept expecting to go back home at some point. It took a while for me to realize that I would never have to go back unless I wanted to, or unless my son needed me.
Living abroad alone meant everything was new. The smells, the routines, the language, the food, and definitely the transportation. It’s easy to romanticize that type of discomfort simply because it really does feel like an extended vacation for a while. The dopamine hit of new cafes, little markets, cobblestone streets, and all that delicious food you have yet to try really keeps you going in the beginning.
When The Fantasy Wears Off
As many of you know, upon arrival in Madrid, I was not a happy camper. Unlike many who move abroad, my first week or two were a total nightmare. For most, they get off a plane, drop off their luggage, and head straight to the nearest beach or pool. But eventually, even for those who love their arrival, reality eventually kicks in.
There are hard days of dealing with paperwork in another language (thanks goodness for Google Translate!) loneliness when you realize you want to share these great times with those you love most only to realize they aren’t there with you, cultural friction as you learn new customs and ways of living that might have never occurred to you, and navigating time zones for something as simple as a phone call home.
What no one tells you about living abroad is that the freedom you wanted so badly can feel empty without community. You’ll miss birthdays and special occasions back home, you won’t know where to buy the basics at first, and yes, you’ll crave familiar foods from back home. And let’s not forget the ache and stress of building a new life from scratch.
Thankfully, given that I come from a family of German immigrants, I grew up hearing many of the stories of what it was like to start over somewhere foreign. I feel like immigration is in my blood quite literally. So I kind of knew what to expect in advance and I don’t think it hit me as hard as it might some people.
What Living Abroad Is Actually Like, Day to Day
Life abroad is different, and new. And the best part is, you see it all through a lens of beauty. It’s not glamorous, but it’s real. Whether it’s laundry drying out on a clothes rack in the Spanish sun, a cheap cafe con leche at a local cafe, or learning local habits and customs, day-to-day life is new for a long time in the smallest of ways.
I have experienced what it’s like to become a regular at a local cafe. I love the friendships I’ve built there. Ordinary life here or anywhere abroad is both harder and more beautiful than expected.
The harder parts for me are depending on public transportation for everything (I often have to wait a full hour or more for a bus to arrive), and figuring out if Spain is really the country I want to call home. But for others, it might be trying to find food they like, or navigating the visa offices and all that paperwork.
For me, the joys far outweigh the stresses, and I think for anybody considering a move abroad, you have to focus heavily on two things. Routine, and the beauty of the life around you. If you get lost in the negatives, you’ll just end up on the first flight home.
Maybe that’s how it should be for some people. Not everyone is cut out for living abroad. But for the majority that stay, life just gets better and better. You integrate, you slowly learn the language, you find all those small staples that make you feel at home, you become a regular somewhere, and you figure out how to get around. Like any big change, it takes time to adjust. Throwing in the towel at the first sign of distress won’t work for a change like this. You have to have the guts to stick it out.
The Emotional Cost (And Gift) of Leaving Everything Familiar
I can honestly say that one of the hardest things to accept are some of the people I love that have simply stopped checking in. There will always be a person or two who seemingly forget you exist once you’ve left. And yeah, it hurts.
But on the flip side, I also get to realize who I am when no one is watching. I have learned to soothe myself because there is no one here to rescue me. Over time, those types of lessons become incredibly powerful if you are open to learning them.
The biggest piece of advice I can give someone who is considering living abroad is, be open to being changed from the inside out. Be open to change in general, but be prepared to change in ways you never expected. Because travel and life abroad will change you in ways you never saw coming. And if you aren’t open to that, this life will never work out for you. You can’t cling to who you are so hard that you hit a brick wall when something comes along that requires a different version of you. Change is good, so stay open if you want a successful move abroad.
Would I Do It Again?
Absolutely! In a heartbeat! Living abroad alone is the best thing I ever did for myself. But with more softness, better boundaries, and zero delusions. I would have prepared a bit better for the few days leading up to the move and the few weeks after. I would have been easier on myself and expected less.
When you move abroad, you have to understand that changing your life will change EVERYTHING. Stay open to that, and you’ll do just fine. Let go of your old life with gratitude for everything it gave you, and move on knowing that even if you never see that old life again, it brought you to this point. And this point is pretty spectacular.
For Anyone Thinking About Living Abroad…
You’re not wrong for wanting to go. That urge hits people for many different reasons, and none of them are wrong. Just be willing to truly leave everything behind, and stay open to change itself, because nothing will ever be the same again. I think that’s where bravery really enters the picture, and that can be really scary. But remember that bravery isn’t the absence of fear. It’s being afraid and doing it anyway.
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